Maddy-Love, Part Two of Two

i'll just let her words speak for her today. you know how i feel about her, and her writing.

again, maddy-love of "Finding Yonder".




well i'm back... my weekend not nearly long enough.

i hope your's was peaceful.

so, back to you. as i was gone for the weekend, i kept coming back to one thing... your life is sensational. not in the "i have the best life in the world" meaning of the word, but in the "so much has happened in 30 years!" sense of the word.

do you ever think, "maddy... you can't handle any more."?


heya rick.

yeah - time away never seems like quite enough time eh? i hope you were able to enjoy the parts you could grab for now :)

and does it ever feel like i cant handle any more?

shit yeah. lots of the time it does :(

honestly rick? (well thats been a theme and all lately huh? :)

up til my brother got sick it didnt feel like that very often. cuz i did have lotsa sweet things in my life. my husband. my children. a job i was real good at - and that i loved. enough money to get by - with some extras squeezed in :) my brother and the family hed made. him and sarah and jay and julie :)

and see i still struggled with past stuff sometimes. but i could always pull myself
out of it ya know? cuz i figured well sure i went through lotsa shit - but theres gifts that came through all of that huh?

my capacity to empathize and connect with people my deep understandin of what its like to hurt the gratitude i feel for all of the light parts of my livin the small wisdom ive come to hold
my fierceness
my strength
my bullshit detector

i dont think i would have found any of those things - or not to the same level and that - if i hadnt been invited to create them as a way of survivin the traumas ive endured.

but mats death?

that broke me. more than anythin thats happened in my life. fuck. it broke me down.

i think i just didnt expect to live through it. and he knew that i guess. he asked me to promise him to live a year. and i sed i would. and if it wasnt for that - i know i wouldnt be here today. i would have let myself slip away, back when i was so ill it wouldve been easy.

a friend asked me how he got me to say that i would. i remember it kinda surprised me eh? she was the only one who asked.

i told her the truth anyways. i promised cuz hed never asked me for anythin. ever in his life. how could i say no huh?

and i know he wasnt askin me to get through a year. shit - i do know that. he was askin me for somethin smaller - cuz he knew i couldnt see farther than that. i couldnt have promised to live the rest of my life without him. i wouldve told him i cant do it. i just cant. but a year? i felt i could do a year.

and i will too. its been kinda close - but i will keep my promise eh? im good like that :)

and shit :/
i sure hope this isnt too heavy rick. but you asked - and its the best answer i have.



when you ask for someone's friendship, the load can never be too heavy. i'm a firm believer in friendship and that they are just as important as family... as long as you choose the right ones. those that support and nourish, that provide and shelter. those are the friends i'm talking about... and it's the type of friendship that we
bloggers know best.

because you can't always be there physically, but you can be there emotionally. many time's a comment on my blog has provided much needed lite on a very dark subject. other time's, i'm reminded that someone cares just by a simple "hi", other times i'm reminded by an email that says "i understand".

what touches you in your blog... what keeps you coming back?



my friends are my family in lotsa ways :) the very best kind of family huh? cuz you dont get to chose your blood family and that. every person i calla friend - i chose. actively and consciously. and im so lucky in my friends rick :) both in 3d and on-line - and in the places those things run together for me :)

and
what touches me bout my blog?

kinda a big question that :/

guess i need to start by sayin ive been a part of a close on-line community for about 6 years now. i hooked up there originally durin a real different time in my life.

bein a trauma survivor isnt somethin ive ever hidden a whole lot. partly cuz i havent had much of a choice that way - but also cuz i see my past as a big part of who i am. well shit. i wouldnt exist without it eh? not as me. not as maddy - seperate from 'pete' (our bodies name). so yeah. ive spoken as a keynote bout some of my childhood abuse. ive shared my story and my path to healin with a few thousand people over the years eh?

what i DID keep hidden for many years was the multiness of my/our existence. it always feels like a scarier thing to share i guess. cuz there are so many misconceptions eh? talk shows and movies often show havin 'multiple personalities' as a rare freakshow kinda thing. people goin into trances at a therapists cue, leadin completely seperate lives as the different parts of who they are. most times i cant recognize any of it as anythin close to who or how i am :/.

so the message forums i found back then were related to mulitplicity eh? and
it felt awesome connectin there. cuz i felt normal ya know? finally :) cuz i could let all of the parts of who-we-are speak, and play, and build their own friendships with other folks like us :)

and when my brother got sick, my on-line friends were like a life-line huh? and man - i sure needed one bad :/ cuz everyone else in my life was in about the same shape as me.

a ring of roses
we were huh?
without him
we all fall down :(

writin became the only way i could talk bout what was goin on. i had so many words in me rick. i felt like i would explode, tryin to keep em all inside :/ and my on-line friends have been so wonderful. patient and givin and the ground beneath my feet sometimes.

but theres only so long you can rehash the same old shit huh? and ive been stuck for 10 months man.

hes dead. i miss him. it all hurts so bad
repeat

:(

sooooo i started my blog for a couple reasons (yeah i am gettin to the point - i
hope :)

partly so that i can write whatever i need to - i can be however i need to be - and no ones obligated to respond.

and partly as a way of creatin a memorial to my brother. to his life. to the things he taught me over the short years i had him. to the joy he brought to so many others - and to the pain we all feel at his loss.

and what touches me most rick? that people listen to far more than i ever believed they could. that theyre touched by the pieces of my life ive been able to share. that im believed - without always havin to cart out 'proof' of what my lifes looked like (i have to bring newspaper clippins and a photo of mat to the hospital when i
go in - ive found out from experience that im likely to be locked up as delusional if i dont :/).

and most of all that i get to share my brother in that place. i get to keep who he was alive - by lettin other folks know a little bout what i lost through his
death.

im so glad to know some of the folks ive met through yonder. you and edge and flygirl and scorpy and satistfied spouse and muse and psychokitty and so many others.

im always blessed in my friends eh? :) thanks for your gifts to me rick.



i don't know if i've told you or not, but i lost a good friend to drugs almost 2 years ago... the nite he passed on, i felt him "visit" me.

i had always said that he was too much for this life anyway... he needed to move on to the next level.

we smell him, hear him, and feel him, his spirit, still... his death changed my life. i was so lost, maddy. slowly i'm finding myself again. i've come a long way. i'm improving, but i still have some work to do...

what's next, sweetie? after your year, where do you go?



im real sorry to hear bout your loss rick :( and i know how its hard to find the good stuff sometimes.

i do feel mat hangin round some days. i know that ive grown a lot as a person through my greivin. i just dont give a shit.

i want his smile and i want to have aggravatin stupid fights with him and i want to be able to pop by anytime just cuz i wanna and i want to tease him bout bein hit on by anyone and everyone and i want and i want and

fuck growth. fuck believin in a frickin afterlife even. id give both those things back in a heartbeat.

its like that sometimes
huh?

((((u))))

and
whats next?

well i gotta live i guess. it kinda sucked really takin that in. jay brought it home for me - he sure did. i never want my child to wake up screamin - thinkin its her fault im not there to love her anymore.

i cant do that. no. and guess i cant blame jay too much. he was just the smack in the face for the rest of us contemplatin it :/

i have to live so im livin in the ways that feel most meaninful to me

im lovin the folks in my life who love me im reclaimin the sunlit parts of my childhood
and
im buildin a pain memorial to the basement parts and one day i wont have to tend it so much ya know?

and the future that pulls me?

i want to continue healin into the world. i want to find ways to make my wounds contributions. shit theyre there huh? i might as well use em :)

thanks for askin me to do this rick. it actually helped me pull myself out of a couple of real bad days. babblin always helps me somehow. which is good news since i cant seem to shut up much :)



thank you maddy for taking the time out to blab away with me. honestly, i could go forever. in my line of work, i have to ask question... tons of them. so, when i meet someone like you, i tend to keep asking and asking and asking... well, you get the picture. so, thank you for this. it means more to me than you'll ever know.

one more question... then i'll let you go.

so here we are... a couple of kids that act grown up because we have to, that have completely different lives and a completely different past... yet, we're connecting via this world wide web thing that i still can't figure out...

take it a step further. we're sitting on your porch, drinking cocktails of our choice, with one of those little am\fm radios playing in the background just loud enough to hear... what type of music are we listening to?


well thanks for takin the time to listen huh? :) ramblin away is not much of a hardship for me (what with 150 posts a day and all that ;-)

sittin out on my porch with you makes a nice picture hon. course i tend to play my music a little loud. my kids tell me to turn it down :)

i think for a lazy porch talk? id be playin some blue rodeo or sarah maclachlan. mellow but damn catchy :)

take care hon k?
((((u))))

love
maddy

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Again... Maddy writes at http://findingyonder.blogspot.com . She is talented beyond belief, and her words will take your breath away. Go ahead... read her.