Maddy-Love

i believe everyone suffers. its just part of livin huh? and shit - we love to quantify it. make it rational and minutely scaled. so we can decide whether or not we're doin it right. and so we can weigh in on whether or not we have the right to hurt.

and ive wondered lots lately

what is the 'right' way to be in relationship with sufferin? what does health and wholeness and integrity look like when we're faced with unbearable pain?

and i think our cultural discourses dont help us to answer that one real well huh?

we're recruited into the story that

health means happiness. it means bein able to function independently from others. it means lettin go of past wounds. it means acceptin yourself. it means assertin your needs. it means conformin to social codes of behavior that define and restrict what we view as 'normal'. it means lettin go of anger. it means suckin it up and pullin up our bootstraps and chugchuggin away cuz i think i can i think i can

but
(and)
there are other stories we can enact eh? ones that are marginalized from the happyeverafter script we're asked to write.

and mine is

health means allowin ourselves to honour all the feelins that come with livin. it means valuin sufferin as a part of bein fully human. it means takin time to grieve and rage and scream. it means knowin that the 'symptoms' we experience as problematic - as indications of pathology or weakness or disease - are really invitations to growth. it means acceptin that life is beautiful AND it sucks. it means searchin for purpose and meanin and light. it means hope without expectations. it means letting go of the need to let go.

i wont blink back my tears
i wont run from my fierceness
i wont devalue the darkhurt parts of who i am
i wont think of my life as somethin i inflict on others
i wont put on my happy face unless it fits me that day

i wont live a half-life and call it livin

and no im not sayin that we should wallow in the hard stuff always. i think thats
just the opposite end of the same narrow scale of Truth. the idea that (somehow) if we punish ourselves enough we'll be redeemed. the hope that if we go through enough hard shit we'll be worthy of attention and respect and care.

thats not real healthy either eh?

i just think 'healin' aint synonymous with happiness. cuz hey - on the practical side - its fightin a losin battle :/ life doesnt stop happenin huh? and theres always gonna be painful times.

and cuz

theres nothin inherantly bad or depletin or harmful bout havin ANY feelin. what fucks us up is when we take on the message that happiness is the only acceptable feelin to have.