Maddy-Love

i believe everyone suffers. its just part of livin huh? and shit - we love to quantify it. make it rational and minutely scaled. so we can decide whether or not we're doin it right. and so we can weigh in on whether or not we have the right to hurt.

and ive wondered lots lately

what is the 'right' way to be in relationship with sufferin? what does health and wholeness and integrity look like when we're faced with unbearable pain?

and i think our cultural discourses dont help us to answer that one real well huh?

we're recruited into the story that

health means happiness. it means bein able to function independently from others. it means lettin go of past wounds. it means acceptin yourself. it means assertin your needs. it means conformin to social codes of behavior that define and restrict what we view as 'normal'. it means lettin go of anger. it means suckin it up and pullin up our bootstraps and chugchuggin away cuz i think i can i think i can

but
(and)
there are other stories we can enact eh? ones that are marginalized from the happyeverafter script we're asked to write.

and mine is

health means allowin ourselves to honour all the feelins that come with livin. it means valuin sufferin as a part of bein fully human. it means takin time to grieve and rage and scream. it means knowin that the 'symptoms' we experience as problematic - as indications of pathology or weakness or disease - are really invitations to growth. it means acceptin that life is beautiful AND it sucks. it means searchin for purpose and meanin and light. it means hope without expectations. it means letting go of the need to let go.

i wont blink back my tears
i wont run from my fierceness
i wont devalue the darkhurt parts of who i am
i wont think of my life as somethin i inflict on others
i wont put on my happy face unless it fits me that day

i wont live a half-life and call it livin

and no im not sayin that we should wallow in the hard stuff always. i think thats
just the opposite end of the same narrow scale of Truth. the idea that (somehow) if we punish ourselves enough we'll be redeemed. the hope that if we go through enough hard shit we'll be worthy of attention and respect and care.

thats not real healthy either eh?

i just think 'healin' aint synonymous with happiness. cuz hey - on the practical side - its fightin a losin battle :/ life doesnt stop happenin huh? and theres always gonna be painful times.

and cuz

theres nothin inherantly bad or depletin or harmful bout havin ANY feelin. what fucks us up is when we take on the message that happiness is the only acceptable feelin to have.

Maddy-Love, Part Two of Two

i'll just let her words speak for her today. you know how i feel about her, and her writing.

again, maddy-love of "Finding Yonder".




well i'm back... my weekend not nearly long enough.

i hope your's was peaceful.

so, back to you. as i was gone for the weekend, i kept coming back to one thing... your life is sensational. not in the "i have the best life in the world" meaning of the word, but in the "so much has happened in 30 years!" sense of the word.

do you ever think, "maddy... you can't handle any more."?


heya rick.

yeah - time away never seems like quite enough time eh? i hope you were able to enjoy the parts you could grab for now :)

and does it ever feel like i cant handle any more?

shit yeah. lots of the time it does :(

honestly rick? (well thats been a theme and all lately huh? :)

up til my brother got sick it didnt feel like that very often. cuz i did have lotsa sweet things in my life. my husband. my children. a job i was real good at - and that i loved. enough money to get by - with some extras squeezed in :) my brother and the family hed made. him and sarah and jay and julie :)

and see i still struggled with past stuff sometimes. but i could always pull myself
out of it ya know? cuz i figured well sure i went through lotsa shit - but theres gifts that came through all of that huh?

my capacity to empathize and connect with people my deep understandin of what its like to hurt the gratitude i feel for all of the light parts of my livin the small wisdom ive come to hold
my fierceness
my strength
my bullshit detector

i dont think i would have found any of those things - or not to the same level and that - if i hadnt been invited to create them as a way of survivin the traumas ive endured.

but mats death?

that broke me. more than anythin thats happened in my life. fuck. it broke me down.

i think i just didnt expect to live through it. and he knew that i guess. he asked me to promise him to live a year. and i sed i would. and if it wasnt for that - i know i wouldnt be here today. i would have let myself slip away, back when i was so ill it wouldve been easy.

a friend asked me how he got me to say that i would. i remember it kinda surprised me eh? she was the only one who asked.

i told her the truth anyways. i promised cuz hed never asked me for anythin. ever in his life. how could i say no huh?

and i know he wasnt askin me to get through a year. shit - i do know that. he was askin me for somethin smaller - cuz he knew i couldnt see farther than that. i couldnt have promised to live the rest of my life without him. i wouldve told him i cant do it. i just cant. but a year? i felt i could do a year.

and i will too. its been kinda close - but i will keep my promise eh? im good like that :)

and shit :/
i sure hope this isnt too heavy rick. but you asked - and its the best answer i have.



when you ask for someone's friendship, the load can never be too heavy. i'm a firm believer in friendship and that they are just as important as family... as long as you choose the right ones. those that support and nourish, that provide and shelter. those are the friends i'm talking about... and it's the type of friendship that we
bloggers know best.

because you can't always be there physically, but you can be there emotionally. many time's a comment on my blog has provided much needed lite on a very dark subject. other time's, i'm reminded that someone cares just by a simple "hi", other times i'm reminded by an email that says "i understand".

what touches you in your blog... what keeps you coming back?



my friends are my family in lotsa ways :) the very best kind of family huh? cuz you dont get to chose your blood family and that. every person i calla friend - i chose. actively and consciously. and im so lucky in my friends rick :) both in 3d and on-line - and in the places those things run together for me :)

and
what touches me bout my blog?

kinda a big question that :/

guess i need to start by sayin ive been a part of a close on-line community for about 6 years now. i hooked up there originally durin a real different time in my life.

bein a trauma survivor isnt somethin ive ever hidden a whole lot. partly cuz i havent had much of a choice that way - but also cuz i see my past as a big part of who i am. well shit. i wouldnt exist without it eh? not as me. not as maddy - seperate from 'pete' (our bodies name). so yeah. ive spoken as a keynote bout some of my childhood abuse. ive shared my story and my path to healin with a few thousand people over the years eh?

what i DID keep hidden for many years was the multiness of my/our existence. it always feels like a scarier thing to share i guess. cuz there are so many misconceptions eh? talk shows and movies often show havin 'multiple personalities' as a rare freakshow kinda thing. people goin into trances at a therapists cue, leadin completely seperate lives as the different parts of who they are. most times i cant recognize any of it as anythin close to who or how i am :/.

so the message forums i found back then were related to mulitplicity eh? and
it felt awesome connectin there. cuz i felt normal ya know? finally :) cuz i could let all of the parts of who-we-are speak, and play, and build their own friendships with other folks like us :)

and when my brother got sick, my on-line friends were like a life-line huh? and man - i sure needed one bad :/ cuz everyone else in my life was in about the same shape as me.

a ring of roses
we were huh?
without him
we all fall down :(

writin became the only way i could talk bout what was goin on. i had so many words in me rick. i felt like i would explode, tryin to keep em all inside :/ and my on-line friends have been so wonderful. patient and givin and the ground beneath my feet sometimes.

but theres only so long you can rehash the same old shit huh? and ive been stuck for 10 months man.

hes dead. i miss him. it all hurts so bad
repeat

:(

sooooo i started my blog for a couple reasons (yeah i am gettin to the point - i
hope :)

partly so that i can write whatever i need to - i can be however i need to be - and no ones obligated to respond.

and partly as a way of creatin a memorial to my brother. to his life. to the things he taught me over the short years i had him. to the joy he brought to so many others - and to the pain we all feel at his loss.

and what touches me most rick? that people listen to far more than i ever believed they could. that theyre touched by the pieces of my life ive been able to share. that im believed - without always havin to cart out 'proof' of what my lifes looked like (i have to bring newspaper clippins and a photo of mat to the hospital when i
go in - ive found out from experience that im likely to be locked up as delusional if i dont :/).

and most of all that i get to share my brother in that place. i get to keep who he was alive - by lettin other folks know a little bout what i lost through his
death.

im so glad to know some of the folks ive met through yonder. you and edge and flygirl and scorpy and satistfied spouse and muse and psychokitty and so many others.

im always blessed in my friends eh? :) thanks for your gifts to me rick.



i don't know if i've told you or not, but i lost a good friend to drugs almost 2 years ago... the nite he passed on, i felt him "visit" me.

i had always said that he was too much for this life anyway... he needed to move on to the next level.

we smell him, hear him, and feel him, his spirit, still... his death changed my life. i was so lost, maddy. slowly i'm finding myself again. i've come a long way. i'm improving, but i still have some work to do...

what's next, sweetie? after your year, where do you go?



im real sorry to hear bout your loss rick :( and i know how its hard to find the good stuff sometimes.

i do feel mat hangin round some days. i know that ive grown a lot as a person through my greivin. i just dont give a shit.

i want his smile and i want to have aggravatin stupid fights with him and i want to be able to pop by anytime just cuz i wanna and i want to tease him bout bein hit on by anyone and everyone and i want and i want and

fuck growth. fuck believin in a frickin afterlife even. id give both those things back in a heartbeat.

its like that sometimes
huh?

((((u))))

and
whats next?

well i gotta live i guess. it kinda sucked really takin that in. jay brought it home for me - he sure did. i never want my child to wake up screamin - thinkin its her fault im not there to love her anymore.

i cant do that. no. and guess i cant blame jay too much. he was just the smack in the face for the rest of us contemplatin it :/

i have to live so im livin in the ways that feel most meaninful to me

im lovin the folks in my life who love me im reclaimin the sunlit parts of my childhood
and
im buildin a pain memorial to the basement parts and one day i wont have to tend it so much ya know?

and the future that pulls me?

i want to continue healin into the world. i want to find ways to make my wounds contributions. shit theyre there huh? i might as well use em :)

thanks for askin me to do this rick. it actually helped me pull myself out of a couple of real bad days. babblin always helps me somehow. which is good news since i cant seem to shut up much :)



thank you maddy for taking the time out to blab away with me. honestly, i could go forever. in my line of work, i have to ask question... tons of them. so, when i meet someone like you, i tend to keep asking and asking and asking... well, you get the picture. so, thank you for this. it means more to me than you'll ever know.

one more question... then i'll let you go.

so here we are... a couple of kids that act grown up because we have to, that have completely different lives and a completely different past... yet, we're connecting via this world wide web thing that i still can't figure out...

take it a step further. we're sitting on your porch, drinking cocktails of our choice, with one of those little am\fm radios playing in the background just loud enough to hear... what type of music are we listening to?


well thanks for takin the time to listen huh? :) ramblin away is not much of a hardship for me (what with 150 posts a day and all that ;-)

sittin out on my porch with you makes a nice picture hon. course i tend to play my music a little loud. my kids tell me to turn it down :)

i think for a lazy porch talk? id be playin some blue rodeo or sarah maclachlan. mellow but damn catchy :)

take care hon k?
((((u))))

love
maddy

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Again... Maddy writes at http://findingyonder.blogspot.com . She is talented beyond belief, and her words will take your breath away. Go ahead... read her.

Maddy-Love, Part One of Two.

you read it right... part one of two. i'll post the second half of the interview later this week. possibly, wednesday. thing was, i just couldn't stop asking questions.

what a lovely sport she is, and an example of making lemonade of life's lemons.

i can't remember how it was that our meeting came about. it just happened... over the last few months, i've laughed and cried and hoped and prayed that this precious being would pull through.

i've often thought that i would give her some thoughts to think about, or possibly provide insight into a situation that's troubling... but in reality, i go to her for inspiration. i have nothing to offer her except friendship, and she gladly accepts. but, i get so much in return... i get the wisdom of a brother through her words. i get a loving adult who was molded out of a violent childhood.

this one is special to me... my maddy-love.


you know i love your writing. there are times when reading your words that i want to find you, grab you around the waist, and hug the hurt away. it really has become a physical pain for me... because, well... i've grown attached to you. they aren't just words anymore, they are you.

i'm not the only one that feels this way. many people do. you never really expected this type of reaction, did you?

hey rick

you know - its funny that you say it that way. 'theyre not just words anymore - they are you'.

in a very real way thats exactly what my words are. which is maybe why i kinda have a reaction when when people ask me to speak differently :/

bein multi aint somethin ive talked much about on my yonder place. not much. i dunno why. but its always there for me huh?

ive been diagnosed with what psych folks would call 'dissociative identiy disorder' for bout 11 years. im actually not the part of who-we-are that was 'out' for most of our life. i was a protector part. i was round to keep the others who share 'my' body safe. i did that by tellin everyone else to fuck off mostly :/ i built a wall and i guarded it close.

so yeah. my words ARE me. the realest me i have. i dont sense body as a part of who-i-am. its just a skin i slip on so that i can act and be and relate to others.

am i confusin you yet? :)

and no - i didnt expect anyone to connect to my writin. cuz my words are for me ya know? and guess i didnt think anyone else would really want to plow through them. im not the chirpiest person in the world or nothin. and some of the stuff i talk about is real hard eh? :/

the fact that anyone can connect to my words - feel some of what i feel - hear things ive held inside for so much of my livin - fuck. i cant describe what thats like rick.

scarey. movin. empowerin.

its a blessin i didnt look for. lots of the best kinds seem to work like that huh? :)

im not a writer. i should say that. i was a therapist - back when i wasnt so messed up and that. id like to be that again one day. im hopin that my writin will help me get there.

don't sell yourself short, love. you are a writer. it's why i have been anxious to talk with you at length... there is presentation to your writing that visually reaches out and wants to be loved, to be understood, to understand, to make sense of emotion.

memories come fast and hard, i've noticed. some days, the memories areas beautiful as your eyes, while other days memories strike the very center of your turbulant past.

most days, there's a very common theme, mat. tell me about your brother...

well - guess when i say im not a writer i mean i dont write with a lot of thought - if that makes sense? its just words and words and words and they flow through me and i post. sometimes i go back and edit a bit. not often tho :/ feels like real writin should be more work ya know?

and
my brother

oyeah :(

he does show up a lot in my writin. i miss him. it feels like time shouldve stopped when he died ya know? some days i look round and wonder how the world can exist without him in it. guess it feels like mine doesnt in lotsa ways :(

mat raised me and my sister. he was 6 years older than me, and ky was kinda in the middle. they both had a different mom. she killed herself when mat was 4. she was annishinaabe (ojibwe), and my brother and sister both look lots like her.

we grew up on farms. the place im livin now was one of em. and my dad was real violent, and he was mentally ill i guess. like he hallucinated a lot. his 'visions', he called them. and somehow lots of what he saw related to my brother. he saw mat as a demon and that. we would listen to sermons growin up - i dunno what else to call them - and dad would tell us how mat was evil and hed been born that way and he needed to be punished so that god would forgive his sins. and guess dad took his role as gods punisher pretty serious huh? :/

my brother didnt have a name growin up. he wasnt allowed to eat our food. he wasnt allowed to speak when dad was around. and every thing we did wrong - he got in shit for too huh? cuz he was sposed to be watchin us. he was responsible. so hed be the one to get beat over it.

and the beatins were real bad :(

he was the sweetest kid tho. he really was. he played with us, and made us toys. he sang me to sleep every night he was well enough and that. he brushed the tangles outta my hair every mornin. hed always tug on the ends when he was done. 'there ya go haystack - all set'. with his slanty sunshine kinda smile :)

he taught me how to read and brush my teeth and take care of animals andhide from dad. he protected me and my sister with everythin he had. he wouldve given his life for us. there were many times he nearly did.

i lost him for 16 years. mom kicked him out when he was 17 - and then moved me and ky a couple of thousand miles away so that he couldnt find us and take us to live with him. wasnt till a few years back that i got up the strength to look for him. i was real scared of what id find out ya know? mom told us so many stories over the years. dad killed him. he killed himself. he ran away. hes in jail for life. and i didnt know what was true. and findin out that he was dead was bout the worst thing i could think of.

i wasted so much time. sittin with that fear :(

but eventually i dug up his number through a police contact i had - and we met up in a coffee shop one day. and he was the same kid id known all those years ago huh? :) unreal beautiful and a giant size heart - and he made me crack up laughin almost right away. first thing he sed after how much hed missed me was 'shit pete - you aint grown much eh'?

i had in back in my life for close to 4 years. and shit - we fought sometimes and he could be an absolute ass. but it was the best time i ever had. the happiest ever after.

he died of leukemia 10 months ago yesterday. he fought it real hard. conditionin chemotherapy and radiation and two stem cell transplants (with kys cells - i wasnt a match :/). lots of close calls with illnesses he picked up cuz his immune system was such shit.

and then he died. i was there. i got to say goodbye.

he left behind his long-term girlfriend, and an 8 year old daughter. along with so many sweet friends who loved him dear. they paid for his funeral. they helped rebuild the place he was hurt into a somethin beautiful and filled with love.

i got real sick after he passed away. i couldnt eat huh? not for weeks. i think part of me wanted to go with him. real bad. part of me still does i guess :( feels like a lot of empty years with him gone.

he sed we shared a heart, me and him. and thats what it feels like huh? like half my heart is missin always. and the rest of it dont work so well :/

when you say you didn't eat for weeks... was this a one time thing, or have you battled with eating disorders prior? since?

ive always struggled with eatin. i still do. every day.

not cuz i think im fat or anythin like that. its one of the things that screws with my treatment for it. i dont do well in hospital programs, cuz they focus on body distortion shit. i know im too skinny. i just dont like food is all.

i spent lotsa years watchin my brother starve rick. literally starve. he used to eat feed meant for the horses - and hed puke it up always and that. its not somethin people can eat huh? me and my sister used to steal stuff for him sometimes - but if we got caught it was pretty bad :/ and when he was doin his chemo he lost alot of weight - and guess that triggered lotsa stuff for me ya know? it was like back then. sittin at the table and mom rappin her fork against my plate. 'i cooked all day and youd better eat it girl'. so id haveta shovel things down - while he watched from his spot on the floor. dad sed he could beg like the dogs, if he wanted to eat. mat wouldnt beg tho. he was a stubborn kid. stubborn man too.

i was 61 pounds when i first went into hospital last year. was about 5 weeks after mat died. ive been in and out lots since. fucked up my heart pretty bad and that - cuz it shrinks along with the rest of you huh? so i did some permanent damage to the muscle. wound up havin serious episodes of an arryhythmia called torsades de points. its what they think causes sudden deaths for many seriously anorexic women.

i have an implant now, to help regulate my heartbeat. theyre not sure if ill need it forever or not. im hopin not :/ im 30 ya know? feel kinda young to have a pacer :/

i know that i still dont eat as well as i should. i never feel hungry huh? i dont experience any cues from my body sayin 'feed me' - its more the opposite :/ if i mess up, i usually notice when i get dizzy or spacey - cuz my blood sugar goes wonky and that. i wear an alarm on my watch these days. when it goes off - i gotta have a snack :) that seems to work ok.

so im doin better huh? gettin there. havent been back in hospital since my surgery, which is real cool :)

i have so many questions... you don't mind if i keep asking do you? maddy, you're precious. you're strong and delicate... i've never met anyone like you, and i'm honored that we have a budding friendship.

these are things that i've wanted to ask you since first reading you, so i hope you don't mind. please let me know if you are starting to feel uncomfortable...

in your writing, you've mentioned your violent past at various points. it really hits home when it's condensed... almost like an ultra-emotional timeline. for me at least...

recently you explained your tattoo drawn by your brother. did he paint the portrait on your blog?

nope - i dont mind the questions. if theres anythin i dont feel safe answerin ill let you know k? ive got good boundaries like that :)

i have experienced lots of violence. from dad. from a slimy uncle i lived with for a couple years. from moms new husband. from katies sperm donor dude. and on and on i guess. its quite the list really :/

mat did paint the green lady on my site. its a pre-paintin really. one of the quick sketches hed do as part of a larger work. playin with the colours and forms and all that kinda stuff.

he was real good, as an artist. his works sold well - and people paid high for em. hes got a totem in a large conservation park near our old home. he has some paintins in smaller galleries in the city. some others in fancy office buildins.

he quit sellin his stuff bout 3 years ago. he sed he didnt like bein marketed the way they do it huh? they emphasized him bein metis. they used his looks a lot too. well - he was strickin and that eh? all the scars - and then that pretty face he had. he wound up sayin it felt like he was sellin himself all again. hed rather make houses and cabinets and that kinda thing. 'well it feels less traumatic and shit' :)

he was a musician too, for lotsa years. he stopped cuz of his hands bein messed. his arthritis started gettin bad a few years back. he sed he couldnt bear down enough to be much good anymore huh? i liked to hear him tho. he 'dinked around' up till the end of his life. he sed it was his way of talkin. he wasnt much with words, he felt.

mat was wrong bout himself. he was so bright in other ways - but he was real messed up bout himself. it made me sad. it still does :( he always thought he was dirt huh? guess its hard when you were taught that your whole life :/

but he loved to be alive - and he sure loved other people. he just gave too much sometimes. not just the shirt off his back - but the livin heart from his body. and it was really the only thing i can remember him doin that hurt us. all of us who loved him.

and think i rambled sorta there huh? sorry bout that rick. hope i answered what you asked me somewhere in there :/

and hey it feels like a nice beginnin to a friendship. what ive known in you :)

to be continued...

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Maddy is a gifted writer that can post up to 150 times per day. Just kidding, but she can post quite often in one day, should she so desire. You can find her at http://findingyonder.blogspot.com.

Don't forget to check back for Part Two. Peace.